Empty

Some of my future posts will be my healing process. To be able to write your feelings rather than speak or show emotions is more my style. I've never been one to be the touchy feel type. I keep to myself and always have.


This past Tuesday was suppose to be a joyous day. We were having our just shy of 19 week ultrasound where we had the choice of finding out what we were having. Duncan wants it to be a surprise and since this is our last baby I will let him have his wish. My appointment was at 10am. We drove separate cars since I was going back to work and Duncan had a meeting that afternoon. We laughed that he arrived right when they called my name back and he said "perfect timing". As we got back to the room and getting ready to lie down, the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I said, "Well I do, but my husband doesn't want to know" Her reply was she does what the mother request. I said No we are not wanting to know. She started scanning my belly and I couldn't tell a thing on the screen. Everything looked like a blob to me. She did show us the top of the baby's head and was taking measurements. She told me the baby was breech. As she was moving around she said "Well guys there is a problem" My heart sank and I felt like I could vomit. I just looked at Duncan with total fear. I asked what was wrong and she said I need to go get the doctor. She kept moving around looking and I said "what's wrong again". She then told us she couldn't find a heart beat. I just put my hands over my face and cried. Duncan laid his head down next to my side and cried. When the Doctor came in he said he was sorry and said the baby had past a week ago. I didn't want to be touched or even look at anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. We had to go in to the next room to go over the next step. Since I was so far along I had to go through actual labor. I could feel my anxiety coming over me and all these thoughts in my head. He sent us home to think about when we wanted to start the labor process.


We came home and I couldn't get out of the car. I just sat in the driveway and cried. I didn't want to go in the house and see baby stuff lying around that I had already purchased. I had just bought a whole sack full of baby clothes on Monday and ordered all the bedding. We decided to do the labor Wednesday.  I'll post that another day. I'm sad, mad, empty and lost. It's hard having young children as well. Karter keeps asking me if there is still a baby in my tummy. I get in the shower and just cry. A baby one day and not the next. I've packed all my maternity clothes away today. I can't go in the guest bedroom without feeling panic and anxiety. It's not suppose to be this way. This is not what you plan for. I guess these are lessons in life we have to go through and pray every day for peace and comfort. I pray every night and always have since a young child. I prayed for a healthy baby.