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Wednesday January 26th, a day I'll never forget. We had to be at the hospital at 7:30am to start the labor process. I was so nervous I didn't sleep the night before. When we got to our room I had to change just into a gown and get ready for the IV. I hate needles. It took three times to get the IV in. The nurse said I had small veins or dehydrated. Probably dehydrated from all the tears I cried. Every 4 hours they had to insert a white pill all the way up next to my cervix. The nurse said she couldn't use any gel to help so with her dry glove she shoved a pill as high as it would go. I cried from the pain and kept thinking how am I going to do this every 4 hours. I asked how many times does it normally take. She said maybe 5 or 6.
Dr. Shanbour came by that morning to see how everything was going. I asked if I had to have an epidural. He said I would probably want one. I felt like I could have a panic attack. As I mentioned I hate needles and epidurals hurt like hell. My mom came up around noon and Duncan's mom was there that morning. Karter stayed the night with her Tuesday night so she wouldn't be asking questions and see us both so sad. Another 4 hours came by and it was time for another pill. Physical pain again. After each pill I would have good contractions for about 30 minutes and then they would go away. I was dilated to about a 1. My sisters Angela and Alex came by to give me a hug.
At 4:45pm, Dr. Shanbour came by again to see how I was progressing. It was time for another pill. He decided he would insert for the nurse. That was by far the worst. I felt like his whole hand was tearing my insides out. I was kicking and screaming pushing myself to the top of the bed. I was just praying this process would hurry up. I told my mom & Roger they could go ahead and leave. I wanted it to just be Duncan and I when we finally delivered the baby.
Around 6:30 that evening Reilly & Addie came by to visit. Addie and I had a long talk. We are just 6 weeks apart in our pregnancy and use the same doctor. We were both excited to have our babies so close.... The nurse said I could have what ever I wanted to eat. No more liquid diet. We had Johnny Carinos for dinner. In the middle of eating I started feeling really sick. My stomach was hurting and the contractions starting getting stronger.
8:00pm, it's just Duncan and I now. Everyone has gone home. My Aunt Vicki & Uncle Mark had just left. Duncan sat quietly next to me in the chair. I laid still as the contractions were getting harder and harder. Another hour has gone by. I started feeling like something was dropping inside of me. I felt a burning sensation and then more dropping. I called for Duncan to lift the sheet as I felt something warm pouring out. He called the nurse and she said my water had just broke. It was almost time for another pill, but since my water had broke she knew it was getting close. Belinda (our sweet nurse) called Dr. Shanbour and told him she felt it could be any minute. I wasn't able to get up and go to the bathroom. I had to lie there and be still. When Dr. Shanbour got there he checked and said yes the baby was ready to come out. I didn't have an epidural so I felt everything. I pushed and pushed which seemed like forever. I kept my eyes closed the whole time and Duncan held my hand next to me with his head lying down. I didn't want to see the baby. I was to scared and felt it would make things harder. Finally the baby came out. I just lied there with my eyes closed crying. Dr. Shanbour asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and we both said yes. He said it was a little boy. My heart sank and Duncan just sobbed and sobbed. I always felt I was carrying a girl. Even though we wanted a boy since this was our last baby it just made things that much harder.
My placenta did not come out right away. It took 4 hours to deliver the placenta. If it would have went over 4 hours I would have had surgery. I prayed and prayed that God would let the placenta come out on it's own. I didn't want to have surgery. After the placenta came out, I kept feeling my stomach. It had gone down so much. I cried thinking one day a pregnant belly and now nothing.
The nurse asked if we wanted to name the baby. We both agreed yes our little boy needed a name. Asher Burke we never got to hold you, kiss your sweet little face or meet your sisters, but you will forever be in our hearts.
Some of my future posts will be my healing process. To be able to write your feelings rather than speak or show emotions is more my style. I've never been one to be the touchy feel type. I keep to myself and always have.
This past Tuesday was suppose to be a joyous day. We were having our just shy of 19 week ultrasound where we had the choice of finding out what we were having. Duncan wants it to be a surprise and since this is our last baby I will let him have his wish. My appointment was at 10am. We drove separate cars since I was going back to work and Duncan had a meeting that afternoon. We laughed that he arrived right when they called my name back and he said "perfect timing". As we got back to the room and getting ready to lie down, the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I said, "Well I do, but my husband doesn't want to know" Her reply was she does what the mother request. I said No we are not wanting to know. She started scanning my belly and I couldn't tell a thing on the screen. Everything looked like a blob to me. She did show us the top of the baby's head and was taking measurements. She told me the baby was breech. As she was moving around she said "Well guys there is a problem" My heart sank and I felt like I could vomit. I just looked at Duncan with total fear. I asked what was wrong and she said I need to go get the doctor. She kept moving around looking and I said "what's wrong again". She then told us she couldn't find a heart beat. I just put my hands over my face and cried. Duncan laid his head down next to my side and cried. When the Doctor came in he said he was sorry and said the baby had past a week ago. I didn't want to be touched or even look at anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. We had to go in to the next room to go over the next step. Since I was so far along I had to go through actual labor. I could feel my anxiety coming over me and all these thoughts in my head. He sent us home to think about when we wanted to start the labor process.
We came home and I couldn't get out of the car. I just sat in the driveway and cried. I didn't want to go in the house and see baby stuff lying around that I had already purchased. I had just bought a whole sack full of baby clothes on Monday and ordered all the bedding. We decided to do the labor Wednesday. I'll post that another day. I'm sad, mad, empty and lost. It's hard having young children as well. Karter keeps asking me if there is still a baby in my tummy. I get in the shower and just cry. A baby one day and not the next. I've packed all my maternity clothes away today. I can't go in the guest bedroom without feeling panic and anxiety. It's not suppose to be this way. This is not what you plan for. I guess these are lessons in life we have to go through and pray every day for peace and comfort. I pray every night and always have since a young child. I prayed for a healthy baby.
Karter has been begging and begging for a puppy. That's all she asked Santa for Christmas. After much thought we finally decided to bite the bullet and buy one. This is Boomer Burke. He is a Mal-Shi. The girls have had so much fun with him. Today was his first day to go to the groomer and I just had to take a picture. He smells so good and his hair is so fluffy. Welcome to the family Boomer.
What a busy weekend! Friday was the girls actual birthdays. We had a party at Karter's school on Friday. She was so excited when we showed up with balloons, cupcakes & ice cream. Madison had to go to her dads for the evening so we took Karter to eat at Mama Rojas. After dinner we walked down to Louie's to listen to live music. Karter got out in front of the stage and danced and then got up on stage once to make sure everyone was watching her. She's such a little Ham!
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| My niece Abigail |
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| Sidney Kate |
Sunday afternoon was Karter's friends/family party. We had over 40 people at our house. It was a little chaotic at times, but lots of fun. We had a moon bounce in the front driveway and then a face painter on the back porch. The face painter did an awesome job! Karter seemed to enjoy it all and fell asleep at 7:30pm last night. This will be our last home party. I feel like I'm running around non-stop and never got to sit down once and relax.
For Labor Day this year our family all got together to celebrate Gigi's birthday. We had a great time. I found a lake house on-line to rent for the 4 days. The cabin was awesome. We fished, swam, rode around in the boat and cooked some great food. We enjoyed spending time with Duncan's brothers family, Gigi, Uncle Pat, Brent & Lindsay. Here are a few pics from that weekend.
