Cheer Competition

A few weekends ago Madison had a cheer competition in Ft Worth, Texas. We went down on Friday and came home Sunday. While there we got to see some friends that live in Texas. Dinner was a blast with all of them. Madison's squad only had one other team to compete against, so they got second place. We have another competition this month in Tulsa and then back to Dallas next month. She is the flyer which scares me half to death, but she loves it. Here are a few pictures from that weekend.

This is Karter enjoying the trolley ride down to the convention center.

This is Madison in the front.

Dinner that evening with some close friends who live in Texas.

It's All About Me

I've been in a funk lately. I feel blah and need to spruce up my act. I've decided to finally start shopping for myself. Every time I go to the store I end up buying the girls stuff and never myself. I'm terrible when it comes to accessories, make-up, hair etc.. I own 3 bras and maybe 6 pairs of under wear. I don't buy jewelry, I rarely fix my hair and make-up well it's very minimal. 


So today I'm blogging about my recent purchases. First off this new Shampoo/Conditioner by L'Oreal. It's smells awesome. My hair seems shiny and not waited down with gunk. I never use hair product and don't even own a bottle of hair spray. How sad is that??? At $2.99 a bottle I'm totally loving it. 

Next up new face scrub. I use those make-up towelettes at night to wash my face since I'm too lazy to splash water and then dry off. The make-up removers are just my style. I purchased St. Ives Apricot Face Scrub and again love it. My face seems so clean and smooth after. I don't even need to apply moisturizer. I actually feel like my face is clean. Not sure why it says $19 on Amazon, but I purchased at Walgreens for $3.29

Last, but not least favorite purchase this weekend is my new hair dryer. I can't say enough about it. I bought one 3 years ago for $125. It's heavy and takes forever to dry my hair. This Conair drys my hair in half the time, my hair is smooth and no fly aways. The amount of air this little baby puts out is awesome. I purchased it at Target for $39.99, but when looking for a photo to post to my blog I see it half the price, pissed! I highly recommend.



I have 3 new items coming in the mail this week and once I try them out I'll let you know what I think. Happy Sunday :)

Rascal Flatts - Every Day

2 Weeks

It's been 2 Weeks. Every day is getting a little better. I still get sad and sometimes forget that I no longer have a pregnant belly. On another note my husband Duncan has been wonderful. He's always so supportive and I feel this has brought us closer. The video above is a song dedicated to him and the lyrics are below. I love you Duncan Burke, every day you save me.


You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

(Chorus)
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

(Repeat Chorus)

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night

Every day you save my life

Snow Day

We have been snowed in for the past two days. No use in cleaning with kids, dog & husband around everything just gets messy again. I have already ran the dishwasher twice today. These past few days i've been feeling a little better. I keep myself busy around the house. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I feel like we need to get back in to our routine. Night times are still rough. I have a hard time falling asleep and that's when my mind goes crazy. Too much thinking which then leads in to crying. I told my sister just yesterday maybe I should start drinking a glass of wine before bedtime so that I'll just pass out. 


I've actually cooked these past few days. I'm loving all of these crock pot meals I've been trying out. This morning Duncan has been working on shoveling the driveway so we can actually leave the house tomorrow. Karter has been begging to play in the snow so she went out for about 15 minutes and I snapped a few pics. Enjoy!

Losing You

Wednesday January 26th, a day I'll never forget. We had to be at the hospital at 7:30am to start the labor process. I was so  nervous I didn't sleep the night before. When we got to our room I had to change just into a gown and get ready for the IV. I hate needles. It took three times to get the IV in. The nurse said I had small veins or dehydrated. Probably dehydrated from all the tears I cried. Every 4 hours they had to insert a white pill all the way up next to my cervix. The nurse said she couldn't use any gel to help so with her dry glove she shoved a pill as high as it would go. I cried from the pain and kept thinking how am I going to do this every 4 hours. I asked how many times does it normally take. She said maybe 5 or 6. 


Dr. Shanbour came by that morning to see how everything was going. I asked if I had to have an epidural. He said I would probably want one. I felt like I could have a panic attack. As I mentioned I hate needles and epidurals hurt like hell. My mom came up around noon and Duncan's mom was there that morning. Karter stayed the night with her Tuesday night so she wouldn't be asking questions and see us both so sad. Another 4 hours came by and it was time for another pill. Physical pain again. After each pill I would have good contractions for about 30 minutes and then they would go away. I was dilated to about a 1. My sisters Angela and Alex came by to give me a hug. 


At 4:45pm, Dr. Shanbour came by again to see how I was progressing. It was time for another pill. He decided he would insert for the nurse. That was by far the worst. I felt like his whole hand was tearing my insides out. I was kicking and screaming pushing myself to the top of the bed. I was just praying this process would hurry up. I told my mom & Roger they could go ahead and leave. I wanted it to just be Duncan and I when we finally delivered the baby. 


Around 6:30 that evening Reilly & Addie came by to visit. Addie and I had a long talk. We are just 6 weeks apart in our pregnancy and use the same doctor. We were both excited to have our babies so close.... The nurse said I could have what ever I wanted to eat. No more liquid diet. We had Johnny Carinos for dinner. In the middle of eating I started feeling really sick. My stomach was hurting and the contractions starting getting stronger. 


8:00pm, it's just Duncan and I now. Everyone has gone home. My Aunt Vicki & Uncle Mark had just left. Duncan sat quietly next to me in the chair. I laid still as the contractions were getting harder and harder. Another hour has gone by. I started feeling like something was dropping inside of me. I felt a burning sensation and then more dropping. I called for Duncan to lift the sheet as I felt something warm pouring out. He called the nurse and she said my water had just broke. It was almost time for another pill, but since my water had broke she knew it was getting close. Belinda (our sweet nurse) called Dr. Shanbour and told him she felt it could be any minute. I wasn't able to get up and go to the bathroom. I had to lie there and be still. When Dr. Shanbour got there he checked and said yes the baby was ready to come out. I didn't have an epidural so I felt everything. I pushed and pushed which seemed like forever. I kept my eyes closed the whole time and Duncan held my hand next to me with his head lying down. I didn't want to see the baby. I was to scared and felt it would make things harder. Finally the baby came out. I just lied there with my eyes closed crying. Dr. Shanbour asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and we both said yes. He said it was a little boy. My heart sank and Duncan just sobbed and sobbed. I always felt I was carrying a girl. Even though we wanted a boy since this was our last baby it just made things that much harder. 


My placenta did not come out right away. It took 4 hours to deliver the placenta. If it would have went over 4 hours I would have had surgery. I prayed and prayed that God would let the placenta come out on it's own. I didn't want to have surgery. After the placenta came out, I kept feeling my stomach. It had gone down so much. I cried thinking one day a pregnant belly and now nothing.


The nurse asked if we wanted to name the baby. We both agreed yes our little boy needed a name. Asher Burke we never got to hold you, kiss your sweet little face or meet your sisters, but you will forever be in our hearts.

Empty

Some of my future posts will be my healing process. To be able to write your feelings rather than speak or show emotions is more my style. I've never been one to be the touchy feel type. I keep to myself and always have.


This past Tuesday was suppose to be a joyous day. We were having our just shy of 19 week ultrasound where we had the choice of finding out what we were having. Duncan wants it to be a surprise and since this is our last baby I will let him have his wish. My appointment was at 10am. We drove separate cars since I was going back to work and Duncan had a meeting that afternoon. We laughed that he arrived right when they called my name back and he said "perfect timing". As we got back to the room and getting ready to lie down, the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I said, "Well I do, but my husband doesn't want to know" Her reply was she does what the mother request. I said No we are not wanting to know. She started scanning my belly and I couldn't tell a thing on the screen. Everything looked like a blob to me. She did show us the top of the baby's head and was taking measurements. She told me the baby was breech. As she was moving around she said "Well guys there is a problem" My heart sank and I felt like I could vomit. I just looked at Duncan with total fear. I asked what was wrong and she said I need to go get the doctor. She kept moving around looking and I said "what's wrong again". She then told us she couldn't find a heart beat. I just put my hands over my face and cried. Duncan laid his head down next to my side and cried. When the Doctor came in he said he was sorry and said the baby had past a week ago. I didn't want to be touched or even look at anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. We had to go in to the next room to go over the next step. Since I was so far along I had to go through actual labor. I could feel my anxiety coming over me and all these thoughts in my head. He sent us home to think about when we wanted to start the labor process.


We came home and I couldn't get out of the car. I just sat in the driveway and cried. I didn't want to go in the house and see baby stuff lying around that I had already purchased. I had just bought a whole sack full of baby clothes on Monday and ordered all the bedding. We decided to do the labor Wednesday.  I'll post that another day. I'm sad, mad, empty and lost. It's hard having young children as well. Karter keeps asking me if there is still a baby in my tummy. I get in the shower and just cry. A baby one day and not the next. I've packed all my maternity clothes away today. I can't go in the guest bedroom without feeling panic and anxiety. It's not suppose to be this way. This is not what you plan for. I guess these are lessons in life we have to go through and pray every day for peace and comfort. I pray every night and always have since a young child. I prayed for a healthy baby. 

17 Weeks

Well for those of you who don't know, we are expecting! I'm 17 weeks and due in June. So far I've gained 6 pounds and starving all the time. I've had no morning sickness or nausea with this pregnancy(nor did I with the girls). My ultrasound is scheduled for January 25th, but my husband does not want to find out what we are having this time. Fun fun! I guess he doesn't want me shopping before ;) I've had a little trouble with this pregnancy that I didn't experience with the girls. That's why I've hesitated sharing the news. At 11 weeks I started bleeding heavy and then spotted for 6 weeks straight. The doctor said that could happen and we will check my placenta in a few weeks. I also had a trip to the ER for what they thought was appendicitis. Come to find out I had a cyst on my right ovary. I"m doing much better, just feel like my belly is growing by the minute. I can't believe I'm almost half way over. No food cravings this far. I just want to eat or snack every 2-3 hours. Both girls are excited and I'm super excited to be having a summer baby. Not another September birthday, ha!